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Dear Shakespeare,
My scumbag boyfriend left me at the altar because he thinks I cheated on him. I didn’t, but now everyone else thinks I did, and even my dad is really angry with me because they all believe him. He’s such a jerk. What should I do?
Embarrassed. 
Messina

Dear Embarrassed in Messina,
What you want to do which is the thing that will solve all your problems is that you should pretend to be dead. Yeah, pretend to be dead. Guys really dig girls who pretend to be dead, and usually stop saying things like, “You’re a big whore” because y’know, they’re sorry you’re dead. The really important thing to do is to pretend until he’s like just about to marry someone else, and then pop out of nowhere, like maybe wear a veil and then lift it off, guys love that. Also pretend you’re not you just someone who looks just the same, but like do it with a wink so he knows you know you’re you.
– Shakespeare.

Dear Shakespeare,
My asshole husband thinks I cheated on him with his best friend and is making me have some ridiculous trial. The whole thing is ridiculous. How can I make him see sense?
Outraged, 
Sicilia

Dear Outraged in Sicilia,
See above.
– Shakespeare

Dear Shakespeare,
I really dig this girl, but she wants to be a nun and all she keeps going on about is how much she wants to be a nun, and how much she doesn’t want to get married. Also, about how she wants to save her brother from being executed or something, but mainly being a nun. How do I win her round?
Determined, 
Vienna

Dear Determined in Vienna,
Oooh this is a tricky one. Well the important thing, I think, is that you find a way to make her marry you and you just like sort out the rest afterwards. You should get involved in like an elaborate plot, the more elaborate the better, to like save her brother from being executed, and like in the plot like get her to seduce the execution guy, but not really, and then when everyone things she has got freaky with him and everyone is like, “Oh how can you be a nun anymore?” then that is your time to make your move and she will be all yours.
– Shakespeare.

Dear Shakespeare,
I’m in love with my boss, but he thinks I’m a boy, and he’s in love with someone else anyway. What should I do?
Desperate, 
Illyria,

Dear Desperate in Illyria,
What you should do right now is go to the lady that he loves while you are a boy and just be kind of rude to her, ladies love that, then she will love you and not him and you can have him for yourself. Also you don’t happen to have a twin brother, do you? That is so helpful in times like this I can tell you.
– Shakespeare

Dear Shakespeare,
I’m in love with my best friend’s fiancée. What should I do?
Torn, Verona

Dear Torn in Verona,
Just tell her that your friend is dead, then she will be all yours. Ladies move on quite quickly, and often don’t ask to see proof that their boyfriends are dead.
– Shakespeare

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