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Next step: Fight the Grockles for our independence. 

Now that we are breaking up with the EU (sad times) I have devised for you, my beloved readers, a completely scientific and accurate test to help you determine whether you have secretly been an EU migrant all along. I have consulted our great nation’s finest historians (John of Fordun and geoffrey of monmouth – representing three British states between them, just for balance) to give you a complete history of EU (and non-EU) migration to Britain, so that you can determine for yourselves whether you are British enough to belong.

In the beginning, Britain was uninhabited.

First to arrive on this sceptred isle was Albina, giving it the name Alba. Albina and her sisters (who in some accounts are Greek first EU Migrant alert but might also be Syrian non EU migrant alert) come to Britain after murdering their husbands.

But oh no! They’re all women! How will they live? Happily, devils, incubi or demons of some kind are on hand to help. Albina and her sisters copulate with the demons and give birth to…

The Giants. The first British natives. Hurrah for them. This green and pleasant land is theirs.

But oh no! Another Migrant is on the horizon. This time, it is Brutus, one of the Trojan remnant, fleeing from his fallen city. Historians now think that Troy was situated in Turkey. Brutus was not an EU migrant, then, but one from one of those wicked countries that wants to join the EU, and he killed all the native giants, thereby taking their jobs and their benefits, and made the island his own, naming it Britain after himself.

Simultaneously, two more migrants rear their ugly heads. The Greek prince Gædel Glas (EU Migrant!) and his Egyptian wife Scota (non-EU Migrant) are sent into exile and come first to Ireland, giving the people they leave there his name as Gaels, and then on to Scotland, from whence the people are known as Scots.

The Britons, Gaels and Scots (and Picts and etc. etc.) all live happily until along come The Romans. These are most definitely EU Migrants. They bring awful things like literacy, roads, sanitation and brick houses. We hate them.

After the Romans come the Angles, Saxons and Jutes. These are also EU Migrants. They take everyone’s jobs and only leave us with Beowulf in return, which most people don’t even “get” anyway.

Just when all of that settles down, along comes the greatest EU Migration of all. William the Conqueror (that French bastard with his croissants and delicious cheese and laissez-faire attitude to sexual morality) invades, takes over England (some say Britain, Scottish histories disagree…) and really does take the jobs off all the natives and give them to his fancy friends.

So there you have it, up to the date of the last major invasion. Of course we also have Danish raiding and settling (more EU Migrants) throughout the early middle ages.

So, how do you know if you’re a British national? That’s dead easy.

Are you a giant? If so. You’re golden. They’re the only peoples who are truly “native”.

*  According to medieval history… https://laviniacollins.com/2014/03/17/blurred-lines-history-and-fiction/